Blue Tiger
When I was a little girl I read a book about province Fu — ťien in China, where it was said that a long time ago someone saw a tiger with blue fur.
Harry Caldwell spotted it according to his story in 1910 and wrote a book about it later. There are more testimonies, but it has never been scientifically proven, therefore the blue tiger, also known as a Maltese tiger, is still a mystery.
However, does it mean that when we have not got proof of something, it did not exist?
I always remember Albus Dumbledore in the last series of Harry Potter:
“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean it is not real?”
At first the water-color tiger on the painting should have been a white tiger, which I saw in a meditation, when we did an exercise called “searching for a safeguarding animal”, but then the blue color appeared on the canvas, and i was wondering, that maybe some old memories were showing up.
Who knows.
When I was thinking about it, it associated to me something that I have had on my mind lately. I thought that we have more “tucked” memories like that. Some of them maybe did not happen as we remember, but it does not mean that it was not real for us. And from time to time it scrambles out. They should not be always bad, but the bad ones can make a mess mostly.
I think they are like programmes, which are put in action when we are experiencing something in our life, which could be similar to the situation before. Even if we think that this is behind us for sure. It is something that is happening by itself, because the programme is still there. Then suddenly you observe yourself and you just do not know why, you behaved like you behaved and you are saying to yourself:
“This is not me, why do I react like this?”
I was discussing it with my friend who recorded to me in a message 4 phases of tucked memory like that and how to work with it.
I find it great and very interesting circle so I would love to share it with you.
- Unconscious ignorance
- Conscious ignorance
- Conscious knowledge
- Unconscious knowledge
1. Unconscious ignorance
The first phase is clear.
Something is saved into our mind and it has an effect somehow, but we do not know about it.
It is possible that we forget that it happens (consciously or unconsciously) or do not anticipate that it is exactly the thing that starts these processes.
It could be some big trauma which we have hidden somewhere deep inside or we think that we have already processed it, but it also could be something that we do not consider as crucial.
A lot of programmes like this are created in childhood, when we are making our own patterns of behavior and we absorb everything like sponge. Sometimes it relates to us but sometimes we can be a witness to some situations. Our parents and relationship between them, teachers, who are our first icons, our friends and siblings has a very strong impact. This could often form in our head how we behave to ourselves or to our partners. I could write an essay about it because it is happening again and again around us.
I often come across one such program with my students in singing lessons. They say to me very often that they want to sing, but for some reason they are afraid. They usually say that they can not sing very well, that it doesn’t sound nice, and sometimes they add, “Well, you’ll hear it yourself.”
But then I usually find out that it’s not quite like that, and I already suspect that something quite different is behind it.
2. Conscious ignorance
Realizing that we have such programs somewhere in our subconscious, and that they may start or are already running, is a big step.
That is why I take the second step as one of the most fundamental and moving over in this issue to the imaginary door leading to the world behind the curtain.
I think that for this step, one has to be conscious, open and honest with himself in some way, because otherwise he will probably never admit it. It is the realization that something (but often we still have no idea exactly what) can affect us in experiencing certain situations. For example, the fact that I can’t be relaxed enough in society while singing, or that when I come to karaoke evening, I go to sit back immediately and pretend I’m not here, I don’t understand why I still can’t find a “normal” partner, or that I can’t say to my dad “I love you.”
That is why it comes to phase 3, when it is necessary to find and realize a certain ignorance.
When I try with my students to figure out why they think they can’t sing, they often say such vague reasons, like something like, “… well, obviously, I hear myself.” or “… others told me not to sing.” But when we start to talk about it more then the real reasons suddenly appears, and a memory comes to the surface. Mom, dad, teacher, grandmother …. etc.
3. Conscious knowledge
“Be quiet, please!”
“Don’t sing so loud, I just can’t stand it!”
“Don’t sing at all!”
“Stand in the third row, honey, so you’re not heard that much, would you?”
You probably already know what’s going on here. When I hear such sentences a wave of thoughts of all the different associations always passes through & over me, from foaming to the edge, to the desire to hug the person in question,
and then the one who told him, because I already know why he probably did it.
Sometimes we release a lot of the things we carry in ourselves onto the others, often a little spontaneously.
You would not believe how this can influence someone.
The voice is not only a means of singing, but also of expressing oneself,
be able to shout like a lion or a lioness when needed or say something beautiful,
when we feel it. And this is how someone puts a program in your head:
“You better not use that voice, shut up, or, you know what, shut up completely!”
Of course, it will affect everyone differently.
Someone won’t even be touched, and someone will hide for another 15 years on any occasion to sing, be ashamed to open their mouths even if they sing “Happy birthday” at a family party, only maybe when he’s alone in the car and no one drives just around the corner, he shouts his favorite hit, but only with a record that is louder than his voice. (Is this familiar to you? :D)
For someone who is highly sensitive (HSP = Highly Sensitive Person) or someone who has gone through some deep trauma, this can have even deeper consequences in situations that may not be completely related to singing.
As I mentioned, it can evoke emotions so strong that we combine it with any expression of ourselves that our inner voice requires, such as saying when I don’t like something, or when I don’t want something, or just expressing feelings for another person.
Somewhere deep inside you know that you feel it all, but when the situation comes, when you have to say it out loud, you suddenly dodge, look for other topics, convince yourself that it’s not really that bad or that the other one knew this, etc.
This is one of many examples, but you probably know what I’m trying to explain.
It takes courage to start working with these unwanted programs, because you are suddenly opening a drawer that you have closed for some reason, and most of the time you were hoping you would never open it again. But if you close it, it won’t disappear. Opening these drawers can sometimes be more painful than we expected. But when we gradually begin to discover and realize them, process them, accept them as our own, a great reward will come, which will be the beautiful relief. At that moment, we can afford to let that conscious program go. Than it becomes an:
4. Unconscious knowledge
Inner deep countenance.
But how to achieve such peace? And is it even possible?
I have already been able to deactivate many such small programs quite successfully. It was always a bit of a struggle, but in the end it led to great relief, also to something very unexpected, which brought me a new approach.
Then came a time when I felt like it was gone, and I was without unconscious processes. I felt free. It was just ME.
Partly I was, but thanks to it I found out that it was only an interval where my sensitive soul was preparing to jump into the depths of my unconscious.
Gradually, programs began to scramble to the surface, which were stored deep. Those you don’t want to get into because you’re afraid of what you’ll find inside you.
But after so many fights, I came up with one thing. That often the fight is useless. Sometimes the best solution is not to fight, and just accept it.
But not with the head, but with the heart.
I have one sentence for that, which I always repeat to myself:
…
“I love myself under all circumstances, with all the positives and negatives, and I accept everything I can’t change. At the moment.”
…
I always say it to myself until I really feel it, because otherwise it doesn’t work.
Sometimes, over time, we get to the stage with the students, when they come to that hidden memory, and when we talk about it, they suddenly look at it a little differently. Each situation is a little different, but they usually have a similar denominator. And it is often a matter of understanding the situation, accepting and sometimes forgiving.
Mostly it is not about forgiving the other, but themselves.
It will be a little different for each person, but I would like to say at the moment that anyone who is struggling with something similar should not be afraid to go for some kind of therapy. On the contrary, I think that therapy is a great thing and everyone should really go for it. We take care of our body, but we forget about the soul & mind, and we often do not realize that it all begins there.
…Finally, I would like to return to my blue tiger.
The tiger is said to be a symbol of strength and independence.
For me, it was also a vision of the Ayahuasca ritual, which showed me, among other things, that whatever I experienced, I have mainly love inside.
Huge love. I can’t describe it, but feeling it was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced.
At that moment, I longed to give it to everyone and everything in this world.
Hug everyone and tell them everything is fine, because we all have this love.
Inside yourself.
It is a bit like that blue tiger.
Just because we don’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist…